“I Identified With Hannah”

By Sharon Mager

 Editor’s Note: For many women, the dream of motherhood feels as natural as breathing. But for Peggy Burghauser, that dream remained just out of reach. Peggy and her husband, John, are members of White Marsh Baptist Church and lead Stauros Ministries. John is the first full-time pastoral care worker in the United States, and Peggy is the co-treasurer.  Peggy recently shared her story with her pastor, Dave Tierney, and with BCM/D News Editor Sharon Mager. She hopes it will help others who are going through what she has experienced to know they are not alone, and to encourage others to see and be sensitive to those around them. She says, “Here’s the thing — we never know what someone else is going through —  no matter how old they are. And we won’t find out until we get to know them.”

White Marsh Baptist Church, Perry Hall,  Member Peggy Burghauser, beginning her story,  says, “I identified with Hannah (1 Samuel 1) because of what she was going through. I remember, even though it was 40-plus years ago, the agony of every month being disappointed that a child wasn’t conceived.

People don’t understand, at least those around me at the time didn’t understand, what I was really going through. It was the 70s, and my whole purpose in life, I thought, was to be a mother. And when that doesn’t happen, you don’t know what to do about yourself. You feel like a failure. You feel like, ‘Why me?’

Chelsea Tisdale with Peggy Burghauser. (Photo by Bette Wood)

“I wasn’t a Christian then. I attended church, but I didn’t follow the Lord, and I didn’t receive a lot of support. Honestly, I always felt that in the beginning, Hannah didn’t have any support either. My pastor told me her husband had said to her, “Why are you so upset?” I too used to hear that every month. “Why are you so upset? What’s the problem?’ My first husband did not understand my feelings. So, I believe I know the pain Hannah was feeling.

“And then there were the comments. People would ask, ‘When are you going to start having a family?’ It would stab me every time. It’s not like we weren’t trying. We tried for close to nine years, and the stress ultimately broke my marriage because there wasn’t any compassion.

Looking Back
“For some reason, as you get older, you tend to think more about your youth. And I thought way too much about my youth and what I went through. It was making me second-guess my decisions. Maybe it wasn’t so bad? Maybe I should have stuck it out with my husband? But that, of course, did not help matters.

“My husband John and I have a great marriage. I told him upfront that I couldn’t have children. He was okay with that, so our marriage has been one of understanding each other, unlike my prior marriage.”

Peggy reads to Roland. (Photo by John Burghauser)

Peggy says that about seven years into the marriage, she and John became Christians and that has made a huge difference. Though the pain was and is still there, she is able to handle it differently. Even now, she says, as a woman who’s well past the age of conception, it has been the lack of grandchildren and great-grandchildren that has haunted her.

Fellowship & Blessings

She says, “You go through struggles in life, and the Lord knows that you don’t always handle them the best, but the people around you are the ones who lift you and encourage you.” John and Peggy have a commitment to Biblical fellowship. “We have such a close-knit group around us right now that we’re always lifting each other up when needed. We have friends who minister to us, which kind of brings that lost element into our lives that we didn’t have.

God answered Peggy’s prayer, as he answered Hannah’s prayer, but in a unique way. One of the highlights in life for John and Peggy is a young family they came to know and love. Peggy says, “We met Chelsea about seven years ago, and we became close to her and her son, Roland. She became like our daughter, and Roland our grandson. He calls us Mama Peg and Papa John because her family’s not here in the area. So we’ve kind of adopted them. And that brings me joy. That brings John joy.

“John has encouraged the relationship, knowing how much it means to me. This relationship has changed my thinking about what it is to really be invested in someone and love someone. Not that I don’t love John, but it’s a different kind of love. It’s a mother’s love that I’ve never experienced before, and Chelsea encourages that.

Peggy Burhauser with Simara. (Photo by John Burghauser)

John was experiencing a newness in his life, too, and said he found what he didn’t know he was missing. “John told me he wanted to start spending time with Roland. I was excited! The first time they hung out together, they carved pumpkins while Chelsea and I got manis and pedis.” Since that time, John has picked Roland up from school and taken him to parks and other outings.

About two years ago, Chelsea met and married a young man named Aramis. John officiated their wedding. About a year later, Chelsea gave birth to a daughter named Simara (Aramis spelled backwards!). Being in the life of a newborn baby was a totally new experience for John and Peggy. She said, “I have more joy in my life because of her. She just brings me so much joy, and I feel like I never knew I could love a child as much as I love this child. I babysit her now three days a week.”

God has provided in a miraculous way. But there is still pain. Asked if Peggy would tell another woman who is experiencing infertility that life is okay, that life is still good if you can’t have kids, she immediately says “no.” “There was always that hole in my heart and you can’t say with conviction that it’s okay because it’s not okay. Because when I was young, I just wanted to be a mother. I didn’t think past that. So when life got in the way and said, ‘well, that ain’t going to happen,’ my whole world collapsed.”

Peggy and John say the most important message from this is to be sensitive to those around you. Peggy says, “Here’s the thing — we never know what someone else is going through —  no matter how old they are!” And we won’t find out until we get to know them.

She says, “Now, I’m trying to keep forward-looking and love the people and children around me. I need to keep looking forward to doing God’s work and not worrying about what I don’t have. God has provided in marvelous ways.”

Sharon Mager serves as BCM/D News editor and Communications Specialist

Feature photo: (l-r) John Burghauser, Trina Johnson, Peggy Burghauser, Aramis Tisdale with Simara, and Chelsea Tisdale. (Photo by John Burghauser)

For help dealing with infertility, and other challenging issues, contact  Centrepointecounselinlg.org.